Jeremy Jaffacake

Jan Jeremiah Power Jävinnen (born July 22, 18XX), better known under the alias Jeremy J. Jaffacake is an Audioslavian journalist, entrepreneur, film-maker, narrator, novelist, broadcaster, podcaster and television presenter and former politician, sports administrator, felon and international football manager. He is widely believed to be the most famous Audioslavian in history, and believed by himself to be the most famous person in the multiverse.

Jaffacake rose to prominence on Audioslavian television as presenter of weekly sports show The Large Game on Channel One, and over the course of his early career became the nation’s most recognisable sports journalist.

Following Audioslavia’s withdrawal from international football due to the Cherno-Bull Nuclear Disaster of 20XX, Jaffacake largely disappeared from the public eye until World Cup 37, where he spearheaded a doomed attempt at returning Audioslavia to the world stage, acting as both the national team’s manager and head of the hastily reformed Football Federation of Audioslavia

A temporary return to prominence came in 21XX working out of Silexhera, where his son Jerome Jaffacake-Phillips was based, before Audioslavia’s formal return to the international scene forty years later reintroduced Jaffacake to an international audience permanently.

Since then, Jaffacake has enjoyed his status as a controversial figure, and has acted as FFA ambassador, head of the FFA, President of the World Cup Committee, talk show host, host of the motoring magazine show First Gear creator of the sports documentary series The Idiot Project and co-host of the podcast The Idiot Podcast

Jaffacake is a sufferer of Convenient Functional Immortality along with former colleagues Rubio Sanchez, Sue Dysos and Rameses Niblick III and son Jerome Jaffacake-Phillips. The effects of CFI took hold when Jaffacake was aged 45. He is currently said to have the health and look of a 77 year-old.

Early Life

Jaffacake was born in Ceilerden, Central, Audioslavia, the son of pork gangster Shirley McGinn and millionaire elderberry tycoon Jukka Jävinnen.

He was educated at three schools around the Central region in Audioslavia, firstly at Ruman Boarding School in Burdoc, where he spent a year before being expelled for poor behaviour, alcoholism, illegally monetising the school’s toilets, running an illegal gambling firm that, by the time of his expulsion, had become the fourth largest employer in the city, and jaywalking. He calls the latter a ‘jumped up charge’ and that he only stepped out onto the road to avoid a passing stranger, but freely admitted to the others.

Embarrassed by their son’s antics, Shirley and Jukka sent young Jeremy to St. Margaret’s Comprehensive, a state school with a poor reputation locally and, by the time of Jeremy Jaffacake’s expusion four years later, a poor reputation internationally. It was around this time that St. Margaret’s was investigated for an illegal cock-fighting ring that had become the third largest business in the city. Jeremy Jaffacake denies that he was ever involved, but freely admitted to having set up various money-laundering businesses throughout the school to process money from ‘other enterprises’. These money laundering businesses included a car-washing service, a school newspaper entitled ‘The Orange Filling’, a reputable cock-fighting championships sanctioned by the ICFA, and a campaign to legalise jaywalking.

Jeremy’s stint at his third school, King’s Public School, was altogether quieter. Jaffacake played Rugby Union for the school as a Fly-Half and attained ‘respectable grades’ in his final year. Said grades wouldn’t have been quite good enough to get into a top university had King’s Public School not been super posh.

Jaffacake studied English, with minors in Law, Journalism and General Caddery at Crossport Poshbridge University.

Career

Early Career in Journalism

Jaffacake took his first journalism job while he was at university, as a sub-editor for monthly fitness industry newspaper The Gym Courier before taking a similar position at the Ceilerden Express, a national newspaper based in his home town. While still a junior, Jaffacake showed an interest in covering the second edition of a football tournament called the ‘World Cup’, the first edition of which having been ignored by the newspaper. The Express relented, on the provision that Jaffacake pay for his own expenses. Jaffacake agreed, on the condition that he, and he alone, would be considered to cover World Cup 3 in four years time.

Jaffacake’s reporting from World Cup 2 proved popular, and when World Cup 3 rolled around the newspaper agreed to pay for his expenses as he travelled to Total n Utter Insanity to cover the tournament. This trip proved to be less successful, with Jaffacake imprisoned for the duration of the tournament due to an altercation with a policeman, a police car, a police helicopter, a police horse and, eventually, a police training academy. Forced to write his match reports - which were researched by overhearing the prison guards talking about the games they’d watched on the television - on a handkerchief using an orange crayon and throwing them through the bars of his cell to a waiting accomplice, Jaffacake’s quality of writing somehow improved, but the incident was more than the Express could handle and, on his return to Audioslavia, Jaffacake was fired.

Channel One

Jaffacake, now a minor celebrity, found work on the sports desk on the early morning programme at Channel One News. Within six years he had progressed to being the face of C1’s sports coverage, presenting weekly domestic football show The Large Game and, during the World Cup finals, being on television for at least an hour every night for a month.

Hiatus

The Cherno-Bull Nuclear Disaster forced Audioslavia out of international football and away from international relations entirely as the country dealt with the disaster. Jaffacake, who had been in Krytenia at the time of the crisis, decided to stay there as a freelance journalist.

Football Management and World Cup 37

Jeremy Jaffacake spearheaded an early, and ill-advised return to international football for Audioslavia for World Cup 37, acting as head of the newly refounded Football Federation of Audioslavia and taking on managerial duties of the team.

Under Jeremy’s stewardship, a ragtag collection of players lost 5-0 to Valanora on the opening day of qualifying and slumped to a 3-4-7 record - Audioslavia’s worst qualifying run in history. The side lost all but one of their games in the subsequent Cup of Harmony and, once again, bowed out of international football.

Silexhera

Jaffacake returned to prominence in Silexhera around the time of World Cup 47, finding work at the Daily Banana newspaper and occasionally being seen with son Jerome Jaffacake-Phillips, who had been selected as manager of the Silexhera national football team for cycle 48.

Return to Journalism

After leaving Silexhera, Jaffacake found work at Krytenian newspaper The Emberton Post as sports writer and, later sports editor. It was during his tenure as sports editor that Jeremy reignited his interest in bringing Audioslavia’s national team back to the world stage, especially after witnessing, first hand, Krytenia’s increasingly high standing in world football.

Around the time of the World Cup 58 finals Jaffacake helped to refound the FFA and officially entered the Bulls into qualifiers for World Cup 59

After alternating between the Emberton Post and Cy’un newspapers, Jaffacake returned to Audioslavia to become sports editor of the Cathair Herald newspaper, for which he continues to work, albeit on a part time basis.

Temporary Return to Football Management

For the final game of the Cup of Harmony in cycle 61, Jeremy Jaffacake made a reappearance on the international football scene by temporarily replacing Audioslavia manager Kelly Sporadic, who had resigned from the job following poor performances in the opening two games of the competition. Jaffacake lead the Bulls to a one-all draw against Arcadian Islands which was not enough for Audioslavia to progress to the knockout stages.

Attempt at Early Retirement

After the Audioslavian National Football Team became World Champions twice in a row, Jaffacake complained of having lost his desire to cause his own brand of utter havoc and retired to the isle of Calorborne.

He was rumoured to have resurfaced in Kjeligsted a few years later before making his official comeback, running for - and winning - the role of President of the Football Federation of Audioslavia

Sports Administration and Politics and Second Return to Football Management

Jaffacake ruled over the FFA almost continuously until World Cup 73, wherein he used his power and influence to step in as Audioslavia national team manager for a two-game stretch, covering for incumbent coach Kajaxo Imaslavii who had been given a two-game touchline ban under mysterious circumstances. Jaffacake’s short tenure in charge of the national team happened at the start of World Cup 73 and encompassed the opening two games - a victory over Zenic and a game against fierce rivals Krytenia, managed by Jaffacake’s former boss and long time enemy Rameses Niblick III.

With Krytenia leading 2-1 in the second half, Audioslavia were awarded a penalty kick which was missed. Jaffacake’s furious outburst saw him ejected from the game, although he returned to the field with the game at 3-2 to Audioslavia to taunt Niblick shortly before Krytenia’s equaliser. Audioslavia eventually won the game 4-3. It is, to date, Jeremy Jaffacake’s last appearance as manager of the national side.

At the end of World Cup 75, Jeremy Jaffacake was voted in as President of the World Cup Committee in a shock upset over favourite Markus Resenbrink of Nephara. Jaffacake was supposed to serve for three cycles but was ousted after two following an investigation into corruption and an attempted arrest at WCC headquarters. After the incident, Jaffacake spent much of the following years in exile. A humiliated Football Federation of Audioslavia decided to withdraw from World Cup 79 to atone for Jaffacake’s behaviour, and subsequently dropped out of the top ten in the KPB Rankings for the first time since World Cup 64

The Idiot Project

Main Article: The Idiot Project

While still in exile, Jaffacake started working on The Idiot Project in the run up to World Cup 84, a sports documentary series hosted on RL States video sharing platform ‘’YouTube’’. For the series, Jaffacake collaborated with Mriin podcaster and video essayist Defecating Daffodil as well as many other former friends and rivals from the world of international football, such as Astograthian football personalty Eriz Bakaikoa and long-time rivals Simeone di Bradini and Rameses Niblick III.

WA Commendation for Services to Journalist Integrity

Jaffacake was, against all logic and expectation, given a Commendation for Services to Journalistic Integrity by the World Assembly, supposedly for his career in journalism but undoubtedly helped by both his foray into video journalism and his knack of having lots of dirt on people in power.

Personal Life

Jeremy Jaffacake has one son that anyone knows about. Jerome Jaffacake-Phillips, whose mother, Ffion Phillips, was a fellow journalist from Krytenia.

Jaffacake is a colleague of noted Krytenian journalist Rubio Sanchez and Audioslavian sports columnist Susan Dysos, and supposedly has a friendship with Karditani former goalkeeper Emanuel Portico.

Jaffacake is noted for his love of whisky and his habit of drinking it ‘on the rocks, with ice, and a straw, and an umbrella’. He is famed for wearing a very old and tatty mackintosh coat (although he has been known to wear trenchcoats) and a trilby hat (although sometimes this is referred to as a fedora).

Jaffacake is unmarried, and states that he is ‘married to <his> own ego’.

CFI Diagnosis

Jaffacake’s comparative agelessness began to be remarked upon after hosting coverage of World Cup 13, the ninth World Cup Jaffacake had been a TV presenter for. Viewers noted that Jaffacake should have been around eighty years old, but only looked 45.

Jaffacake was officially diagnosed with Convenient Functional Immortality shortly after World Cup 13, although he’d suspected he’d become accidentally immortal nearer World Cup 7. He was one of the first people in the multiverse to be diagnosed with the condition.

Controversy

Main Article: Jeremy Jaffacake Controversies

Managerial Record

With a win percengage of 24%, Jeremy Jaffacake is by far the least successful Audioslavia national team manager in history.

Jeremy Jaffacake as Audioslavia Manager

Cycle	Event	Opponents	Result
37	World Cup Qualifier	Valanora	0-5
37	World Cup Qualifier	Wentland	1-2
37	World Cup Qualifier	Satiaville	0-4
37	World Cup Qualifier	Bushes Been Quaked	2-1
37	World Cup Qualifier	Cookesland	1-0
37	World Cup Qualifier	Prux	1-1
37	World Cup Qualifier	The Crescent Republic	2-2
37	World Cup Qualifier	Valanora	0-2
37	World Cup Qualifier	Wentland	1-5
37	World Cup Qualifier	Satiaville	0-3
37	World Cup Qualifier	Bushes Been Quaked	0-2
37	World Cup Qualifier	Cookesland	2-2
37	World Cup Qualifier	Prux	1-1
37	World Cup Qualifier	The Crescent Republic	5-0
37	Cup of Harmony First Round	Minilla Island	0-4
37	Cup of Harmony First Round	Kanslov	1-2
37	Cup of Harmony First Round	Estresse Intenso	1-1
37	Cup of Harmony First Round	Endmile	0-4
61	Cup of Harmony First Round	Arcadian Islands	1-1
73	World Cup First Round	Zenic	2-1
73	World Cup First Round	Krytenia	4-3